I watched a programme on the TV about Apps, Dating Apps, Ok Cupid, Tinder etc.. It was talking about the popular trend of men and women using them at a high rate to meet someone for dating and other purposes. Meeting on the internet is one of the most popular ways today with the advancement of the internet, social media and apps facilitating this, you are just a notification away.
When I was watching the programme the presenter was talking to some of the women, the women said that they use these apps to meet guys have some fun but didn’t want to get too close to anyone. When asked why, she said she was afraid of getting hurt, rejected and he was probably doing the same thing with other women so she didn’t want to get attached to anybody.
I found this interesting because as a female I know the general way women think and feel. Women are obviously different to each other. We have society pulling us in this and that direction with brainwashing to think certain ways, at the same time indirectly being told that this is coming from ourselves especially in the west but still we share a basic common nature, it’s the way we are created.
So I’m active on Twitter and see a bit from MT (Muslim Twitter) a lot of the younger men and women are talking about marriage A LOT. Anything from trying to stay away from sin and dating, wanting to marry and having trouble finding someone, what they’re looking for in a spouse, Mahr, polygyny etc… Whatever it is, a basic common theme arises in both these scenarios I believe and that is people want to connect with someone but they are finding difficulty in doing so.
So why is it with everything being made easier, quicker and literally at our fingertips people are finding it difficult? People have an internet connection but are lacking in a real human one.
I believe it can be for a number of reasons;
Apps – These Apps like Tinder, Ok Cupid etc.. and this wave of hook up culture and dating, many people are using them to satisfy their basic sexual desires. They’re going from one person to the next without any real substance not emotionally investing. It’s something new, exciting and addictive and when you encounter any problems you can just finish it with one person and move onto the next. But that wears off and quickly and leaves a person feeling unfulfilled, so people continue on in this cycle believing it’s a right of passage until they settle down. Even if people do settle down this has to have some sort of effect, look at the statistics of divorce rates in correlation to sexual partners. Also no matter how much women try to convince themselves that they can ‘act like men’ in regards to sex, they cannot. Women are emotional and sex and intimacy IS emotional. Also if people are offering sex and intimacy without a relationship what reason is there for one? (This is pertaining to relationships outside of Islam, there is wisdom why it is impermissible as you can see with all the problems in the world currently).
Options – There are so many people now at your finger tips, people you wouldn’t have otherwise met from all over the world. It has broadened our options at the same time constricted them leaving people over exposed and giving a false sense of security with men and women not ‘settling’ because there could be an option of someone better out there so let me wait and see. Having too many options for a person can be wholly unsatisfying. I was reading about when a person is presented with more options of a product then less in a supermarket, they are less satisfied with their choice when they have more options, same psychology perhaps.
Having Fun and Biding Time – Even though a lot of people talk about marriage on MT I don’t know how many are genuinely looking for it. Getting married is a major event in one’s life and the majority of people only want to do it once (polygyny excluded). We can see from the high level of divorce and remarry rates nowadays this is simply not the case, never the less people want to get it right. With social media like never before people have been able to interact at all times from their devices, that separation curtain has effectively been lifted and the topic of free mixing and Haya (modesty/shyness) comes into play and is often talked about also. I think more so in regards to women but that’s another topic. So why when you are young, studying, trying to make money, climbing the career ladder would you get married when you can use social media with the opposite sex like you have never been able to before, lifting those once imposed restrictions. Muslims know the limits within the religion but they are getting blurred on social media much more than they do in the real world.
The Addiction of Notifications and Attention – I watched a YouTube video that said social media is known to be more addictive than crack cocaine, I’ve not tried crack but i agree. Social media is highly addictive it is easy to keep looking and checking your phone, I do it often and have to restrict myself. Being on social media can lead to people wanting and craving attention from others, from posting photos and receiving likes/comments which then spurs them to post more, RT’s, conversations, DM’s, it is allowing people to engage with multiple people at once. Why give up the attention of multiple people for one, for some it can be something hard to do. #HashtagWomenLoveAttention
These Bro’s/Sisters Aint Loyal – I see A LOT of people writing their grievances on Twitter about the opposite sex, cheating is a foremost topic, this can be interlinked with the above points. I see posts about guys AND girls talking to X amount of people privately and in turn people feel they are not being loyal and trying it/getting it with anyone and everyone. The more people see this the more people will think this, there will be more doubts in a person’s mind to whether someone is genuinely interested in them or if they are one of a number, diminishing trust further of the opposite sex. This also causes major problems with people already in relationships if someone is flirting and speaking with everyone the same then who is special? Everyone likes to feel special…even men. (My husband’s comment). There are even adulteress websites, all this made to connect with one another and yet it’s more broken than ever.
Hyper-sexuality – The mystery and intrigue is dying. These sites are becoming like porn sites with over exposed, under-dressed women. Yes, I mainly say women because this is where the main visual hyper-sexuality lies, a woman’s body and sex sells. Men don’t have to chase, put in effort or work hard anymore, why settle when you have so much and it comes so easy from so many people. This imagery can affect men and their relationships with women. The research on how negatively porn is affecting men confirms this.
Life Comparisons and Feeling Unsatisfied – Seeing photo’s of someone else’s life, beauty, spouse leads to jealousy, envy and dissatisfaction of one’s own life and blessings. It creates competitiveness, fitnah (trial/distress/unrest) can cause evil eye and depression when it is a persona they are seeing and not the full picture of people’s lives.
Gender Roles, Men are Trash Women are Trash – I’ve seen this ‘statement’ numerous times on twitter. People are hurt left and right they feel like people are playing games and running game and they’re not holding up their end of the bargain and acting like men and women should. Complaining about the opposite sex like they are the enemy when in all actuality they just want to get close to one another. I see tedious 10 thread conversations of LOL and ‘I know you are but what am I’ between guys and girls this is how badly they want to speak to one another!!
In reality what people are looking for is love and to be loved for and cared for and a proper relationship with a real connection.
Meeting and Marrying from the Internet
I met my husband Online. It was at a time when this was not the norm or common at all and still very much a taboo, you were weird or a loser. It was like saying you met someone in prison in today’s terms it was that taboo, crazy I know because of how normal it has become. Because it wasn’t something you didn’t do it wasn’t something I was looking for or even anticipating happening. I see people talking about whether you should or shouldn’t look for someone online, whether it will work, for me it worked out Alhumdilillah. On social media I would advice people not to look for it but if you meet somebody it can be something that you can consider.
I Don’t Know If He’s Serious
I see this also, if you have met someone via social media and are interested in them for marriage I would advice a person to get real and serious quickly because if you don’t you can fall into all sorts of problems. The litmus test for me, there may be brothers saying they like you want to marry you, this is what I did, I told my husband you have one week to call my father, I gave him my father’s phone number and told my father someone may be calling in regards to marriage. I said call or don’t contact me again, my personality is such that I wouldn’t have spoken to him again and he knew that. I didn’t think he would call so I had already thought in my head ok I need to tell my family I’m looking to get married. He called the next day I was completely shocked when my father told me. He came the following weekend with his parents to my dad’s house and as they say the rest is history. If a man is serious about you he will make the necessary steps, money may be an issue for people but my husband was working in a supermarket at the time and still stepped up to the plate like a man and Allah increased our rizq (wealth) soon after we got married when he got his current job. Parents may also have a problem with job, money and marrying outside of the culture which is causing the youth a lot of problems and needs changing to help their children living in these current times.
Those that are genuinely looking for marriage online or by traditional methods have to be serious, exhaust your efforts, use the matrimonial sites that have a good reputation it wont hurt to try, if you don’t like it u can leave. Get parents, relatives, friends, mosque in the know and make sincere Dua to Allah, he is the provider and it will happen God willing. I would advice not to look on social media but if you do come across someone like I did, get serious quickly, get parents involved otherwise there will be problems, talking to many of the opposite sex like this will not fulfil your heart.
What do you think about the problems I say have arisen? Do you think there are any further? What about solutions?