I came across Annie on a Youtube documentary and wanted to read her story. I like redemption stories. The book shows that we are always seeking Love, even in the most dysfunctional ways but we need to seek it from the source, God. 

1. Hurt people hurt people. And I finally understood why he acted the way he did–he was abused harshly as a child by my grandfather.
2. I carried the shame with me over the years, blaming myself time after time when others mistreated me or even abused me. I felt responsible. The instinctive voice in my head said it was always my fault.
3. And it all stemmed from my deep-rooted feelings of rejection, insecurity, lack of identity, and mostly my strong desire to be loved. In hindsight, I can see many times when all those failures with men were actually feeble attempts at fixing the broken relationship I had with my dad. If I could make a guy love me, that would make up for the fact that my dad didn’t.
4. This is all very painful for me to talk about. It’s not fun to share with you how naive, stupid, and brainwashed I was. It’s heartbreaking to actually have to write down that, yes, I really did sell myself to gain love. But I know I’m not the only one, and we have sold ourselves in a different way without realising it? People date or even marry someone for money or favours or to fulfill an emotional need. Many of us compromise our worth, our integrity, our standards by exchanging it for a temporary fix to feel better. Whenever we trade or sell away the life God has in store for us, we “prostitute” ourselves.
5. Knowing that you can lose your life or be maimed because you exercised your freedom isn’t exactly inspiration to take off. 
6. As the sunlight poured in through the many skylights that brightened the place, I’d crawl into bed. Alone. I didn’t like that feeling. Not one bit. Because it was causing me to face who I was and what I was doing for a living. It was shameful and depressing. I was an empty girl trying to find my PURPOSE. 
7. As I read the new testament, I was touched deeply and realised that I was the prodigal daughter who needed to come home. I cried through the hours it took me to read it. It awakened something dormant–the goodness God had already put in me was confirmed by the stories of the women who followed him and served Him…that I could be one of them…that I could choose to do the right thing finally. It changed me forever.
8. I was awakened to God’s word. I had never before realised how powerful it was. The scriptures did something to my soul. Something shifted inside. I knew I had to get out of prostitution, but I just didn’t know how, the prodigal daughter needed to start her journey of walking home. And I read, I prayed. I thought about the trajectory of my life, the toxic relationship I had escaped, the current one that entrapped me, the emptiness in my soul that no man, no amount of money, and no expensive outfit could fill. “God, please help me” would become my signature prayer. Few words, but packed with more meaning that I could ever explain. Sometimes the phrases that aim to impress, but rather bursting with desperation from shadows and dark places.
9. Despite the real feeling that God was pursuing me, I started partying harder when I returned home, numbing my layered pain with alcohol. I felt extremely guilty for having to go back to work in order to survive and began to plan my escape after having experienced the presence of God on a deep level that was so tangible. I knew I had to figure out how I was going to take the first steps to attempt fleeing my captor because I was again trapped in an extremely abusive relationship. 
10. “God, please help, help me get better”. It was the only prayer I knew how to pray. What else was there to say?

11. As the machine whirred like a vacuum cleaner, I closed my eyes tight and prayed, “God, please help me. Heal me. Help”. It didn’t make sense at the time, but even though I was scared and unsure and angry and depressed and devastated and all of those things, I felt God’s presence. I felt his love and peace. I felt hopeful. Odd, isn’t it? hopeful, even while high-energy rays worked to kill cancer cells with laser focus. 
12. I was angry at God and struggled with a mix of emotions I didn’t know how to process. I felt massive guilt and crippling shame from my lifestyle. I felt fear from the cancer diagnosis. I felt grief from my sister’s death.
13. I had failed yet again. Condemnation beat me down and told me it was my fault, that if I had been a better promoter, manager, etc.. this wouldn’t have happened. I didn’t know what to do. 
14. Only after catastrophic disaster can we be beautifully resurrected.
15. I knew then that God had heard my prayers as I was lying on the office floor, gasping for breath. A sense of divine peace came over me in the hospital room that day. Tears of joy soaked my pillow wet as I thanked God over and over and over and prayed to him to help me heal and get better. I knew at that point in time I would never again touch drugs or prostitute myself for money.
16. “God loves you, no matter what you have done, where you have been. He loves you right where you are”. At those words, my heart melted. Seriously? God loves me? After all I’ve done? For the first time in life, I heard God’s voice speaking directly into my heart. “Yes, Annie. I love you. And there is nothing that will separate you from My Love”
17. I got down on my knees before the TV and humbled myself with repentance. I prayed, “God, if this is true, show me–I want this love to change me. I know I’m messed up, and I’ve done some really bad things, but I can’t do this without You. I dedicate my entire life to you, Jesus, and I need your help”. God loves me. Those words struck a chord in my songless heart that night and started a new melody of grace. Oh beautiful grace! He gave me a reason to sing a new song, praising God for all that he had done. I finally had the nerve, the courage, the desire to believe everything good he had for me. In that moment, my faith walk toward God became so much deeper than just the desperation of the overdose, the pain or my bad choices. I dedicated my entire life to Jesus. I surrendered the pain. I surrendered the disappointments. I surrendered the shame. I surrendered the guilt.
18. And instead of reaching out for pills or cocaine, for material things to fix me and relationships to comfort me; I relied instead on Jesus’ love for me. His love did something to me that satan’s counterfeit love never could. It gave me security so that I could trust God with my pain. I didn’t have to fear like I did in my past. When I was in the sex industry, I often feared that I would never have the love that I longed for. So I filled myself with material things and fake relationships to try to quiet those fears deep in my heart that I was unlovable. This fear and anxiety became such a burden to me as I continued to search and search for meaning, for answers. I was relieved to know that I no longer had to carry every burden that I had taken upon myself. 
19. I was so full of joy, so full of peace, so full of his love. I was extremely hopeful. Hopeful he would continue to change me inside where I needed it the most. Hopeful of the special plans he had for me. Hopeful I could share his love with others and be used to change their lives. 
20. It’s funny what happens when you surrender your will, because that was the very moment I was filled.

21. In my old life, I was always worried about what people thought about me and allowed that worry to control me like a god. So I would give whatever I had financially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually to others in hopes they would give me back what I needed. I thought I needed them to love me. But the truth is, they never really did. They loved what I gave them, but did not love me as a person. After I started my new life, I decided that if God could accept me for who I was without any strings attached, then people who truly loved me would accept me too. And even if they didn’t, so be it. It was their loss. I knew that God had an amazing plan for me no matter who was rejecting me. When others reject you because they aren’t getting their way, you must realise they are only manipulating you for what they can get from you. Who wants a friend like that? Anyone who needs to control you is really not your friend! 
22. The enemy knew if I had an identity crisis, he could get me to believe that I needed to change and conform to people and use the world’s culture. And that’s how he manipulates us. He uses things and people to tempt us to believe that these “things” are going to make us happy if we just continue to accumulate more. But the more we get, the emptier we all become.
23. You’re not alone, and you never will be as long as you believe that I am here with you. I will always be with you. I’ve always been here, from the moment you were born until now. Do you know why? Because I’ve loved you from the beginning of time.
24. I have so many plans for you, daughter! You are healed from your broken heart–I have made you whole. The tragedies you have been through in your life will be used as a bridge to heal others. You don’t have to worry about the rest of your life and what will happen because I am the One who planned your life after birth. Trust in me in all things. I will be your sustenance and life now. Everything bad you’ve ever experienced is going to work out in your favour. I have an incredible purpose for you that no one else can fulfill. 
25. I had a total of 7 abortions and 3 miscarriages over the years that had built in me a flood of overwhelming shame, guilt, and regret to add to the layers that were already present. Oh, how the thoughts of what I had done in my past haunted me and screamed obscenities at me late into the night. The guilt would grab my heart and the shame would overwhelm me, flooding me with condemning reminders of what a “bad girl” I was, how incredibly selfish I was, what a terrible and undeserving mother I was. Every time I saw a baby with a mother laughing and cooing, the knife of sharp guilt would pierce my gut, reminding me that I was a murderer of my children. And it was absolutely, utterly true that I was. I had lied my way through most of my life in the sex industry. Lied to every trick, lied to my parents, lied about my abortions. I pretended I was okay when I was not–that I enjoyed what I did for a living when in reality I hated being touched and treated like an object to men. Layers of these lies covering up my life consumed me and tormented me, and it was too heavy for me to bear. I hated myself. In my past, I couldn’t handle loving another human being because I thought I was unlovable myself. I reasoned bringing a child into my personal hell, the sex industry and the pimp world was selfish. And I was a coward. Too fearful to go through with the pregnancies. Too afraid my child would continue the lineage of pimps and hoes. Too fearful my pimp would stalk me and come after because of the child connection.
26. We must not run but face this pain. You must decide no matter how terrible you feel, to forgive yourself, trusting that God has forgiven you too. How do we forgive ourselves? God saw my broken heart, and he heard my prayers of repentance for what I had done.
27. “I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God’s hands, that I still possess”. – Martin Luther 
28. Or maybe you simply feel spiritually lost, believing that God doesn’t see you, care about you, or even love you. I want to breathe hope into you the same way I was ministered to when I left the game. Let me tell you something– you matter! What you have been through is very important to God! He sees you. You are not alone. Because I have been saved, healed, and restored, I am not the woman I was. As a matter of fact, what the devil tried to use to destroy my life, God flipped around is using to empower me to help others.
29. Even though people have used me, sold me, and thrown me away, I have chosen to forgive them, and God has MIRACULOUSLY changed me for the better so I can show others that what they have been through was never meant to be discarded like a piece of trash. Their experiences are treasures that can be used to help others– to show that God is a good God and His love will lead us out of slavery and into freedom, no matter what terrible things have taken place. No bad thing I have done can ever haunt me again. My guilt and shame have been removed. As my healing continued, I knew I also needed to extend forgiveness to those who had harmed me. My father and I reconciled our rocky relationship. 
30. What have you got to lose? It’s time to surrender. Surrender your pride, surrender your fears and surrender your need for control. Surrender your questions of why you think God has allowed your life to turn out like this. Surrender the questions you have of how God can change your life; just trust him that he will do it. When you take a step of faith, you are a step closer to experiencing a radical life makeover. God will meet you right where you are.

31. Serving others shows that you are grateful for the miracle God has done, and it makes you joyful and happy. 
32. Look, if you are still breathing, it is proof it’s not over yet! 
33. “Be still, and know that I am God”. I camped on that one, especially when I was tempted to jump ahead in my own timing. And trust me, that was often! But God kept speaking to me and encouraging me, showing me things that prompted me to continue following in the direction he wanted to go. 
34. God will redeem everything if we are willing to trust and believe in him. 
35. God’s plan has been so much more beautiful that mine ever was. He took all the hard things  went through and has used my mistakes for his glory. I thank God every day for his blessing and that he is Lord!

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